I was 10, turning 11 when the Star Wars: A new Hope was originally released in 1977. Theaters were packed and my parents had no desire to stand in line to go see such a cheesy looking movie. But for my birthday, they relented.
My parents have never been early to anything in their lives, so that wonderful, amazing night, we got to the theater just as the trailers were starting and the theater was down to a few seats in the front right corner, right in front of the screen. I didn’t want to sit that close, but I had no idea when I’d ever get a chance to see it ever again so there we sat, four rows from the front in a huge, jam packed theater, frying my little brain with images and a story like I had never thought possible. (even back then, I was a bit of a movie freak- I loved all the old Hollywood monster movies and knew several by heart).
Star Wars was one of those moments in your young life you remember forever.
Time flies. I have a family of my own and the kids are 8 & 9 in 1999. You cannot imagine the sense of excitement and wonder and anticipation when that trailer for The Phantom Menace came out. Darth as a child? Young Obi-Wan? oh my god. And my kids are the perfect age. We watched all three episodes on VHS before the big premiere. We read everything we could find about the story and the making of it- George is at the helm- no cheesy knock-off! This should be amazing! We bought tickets early for the 1st showing we could; my wife left work early so we could be in the front of the line that night. The theater was packed and everyone was so excited about getting to go back to that universe and relive a fantasy that we all loved.
The scroll began up the screen and everyone in the audience let out a giant cheer- 16 years and it was HERE! IT WAS FINALLY HERE!!!!!!!
After the initial excitement wore off, the boredom set in fast for my kids. Everyone was fidgeting. I’m sitting in a packed theater, watching a thrilling tale of tariff negotiations, built around a kid who can’t act. Jar-Jar is irritating after five minutes. The robot army is cute but who are they working for again? There are huge plot holes and things that just don’t make any sense. And it’s just boring. The action sequences have no thrill, they carry on far too long- they’re all gloss and cgi and zero passion or thrill. Darth Maul is kinda cool but not onscreen long enough at all. There are no real characters who we care about.
And then: Midiclorians.
What The Actual Fuck? The mystical, all driving force of the universe can be diagnosed with a simple blood test? Like an STD? Really?
Sooooo why doesn’t the federation (or whatever in the fuck it was called) just institute galaxy wide blood screening of all newborns and then kill off any with too high of midiclorian levels? That’d make sure the sith never rise again right? How about blood test for all politicians?
What a stupid, stupid fucking idea.
16 years of waiting and I’ve paid through the nose for my family to watch a movie about a trade war and bacterial infection. Fuck you George.
I sat there trying to pay attention and follow the story while fighting sleep. I couldn’t feed my kids enough popcorn and crap to keep their attention. My wife did fall asleep.
The credits rolled and the theater was pretty quiet. I don’t know if any of us could believe the giant turd we just sat through. I’ve never been so disappointed in a movie in my life and I watch a lot of movies. My kids lost interest in the toys and had no real interest in seeing the later episodes. I think I may have waited and watched Revenge of the Sith on DVD; those viewings were utterly forgettable. And honestly, the only thing that really stuck with me about the prequels- a sense of disappointment. Like they were just a waste of time and I would have been better off keeping my money and not rewarding George for making such crap.